Sustainability and a Soft Heart

It always amazes me how just when my feet are steadying on the new ground I tread, that the end lurks nearby, and change is yet again ready to sweep me off my feet.

When I first got to Malawi, I'd constantly asked why, and had to take deliberate time to pause and ponder my actions. I can now say that I'm getting into the swing of things. I'm adapting to the culture, to the TIA(this is africa) moments, and to the heartbreaking realities of nationals.

Within my first weeks here, my heart broke upon hearing that Ninth Grade girls were dropping out of school at an alarming rate of 1/5 due to pregnancies. I paused too long and pondered too much, and the opportunity to run workshops with these girls passed me by as they began their winter vacation. I still wonder if I could have helped even one girl if I had acted sooner.

Then, our day guard told us of his inability to pay for his son's high school tuition. We brainstormed ways to help and were fairly set on an AmazonFresh-type service. Again, I paused and had to ponder this idea. When I could no longer sit still, I talked to the guard and on the fly proposed that his wife cook us dinner twice a week. We pay her a salary that allows exercise books for his 4 youngest children, and hopefully helps in paying the high school tuition as well. However, this service needs work. What will happen when we're gone? I can't quite place a checkmark in the sustainability box.

One evening, we discovered our night guard's son was in the hospital. Asking if he was doing ok, the guard replied that yes, he was ok, but the doctor said that he needs Sobo to boost his sugar levels, and he couldn’t afford to buy it. Sobo is a juice concentrate - a small bottle costs no more than $1CDN. Our guard's son was in the hospital, and he couldn't afford the $1 it would take to make him better. The next day, we gave our guard the largest bottle of Sobo we could find. Pineapple (: Was that a sustainable action? Probably not, but at times like this, compassion triumphed sustainability, and a soft heart triumphed over a strategic action plan.

Lastly, Kathleen and I saw a crippled old woman at the market dragging herself along. We avoided eye contact, and sat on the ground eating our snack. We must have had 8 bags full of groceries, but quickly shook our heads as she reached out her hand, begging. She dragged herself along, and stopped 5m away from us. As we snuck glances at her, we decided to offer her some fruit and cookies.

After 7 weeks and meeting face to face with poverty, injustice, and illness, my heart continues to break with every struggle I hear and to be uplifted with every ray of hope. After 7 weeks, I've learned that I could have all the money in the world, I could have intelligence that revolutionize systems, I could have compassion that cries at the sight of suffering, but if I have not love, I am nothing. What good is money if I don't love the poor I am supporting? What good is intellect if I don't love the beneficiaries of systems change? And what good is compassion if I don't love enough to act on my heartbreak? Nothing. Nothing is anything without love.

Yes, there are times when questions of sustainability arise. These questions should be raised a majority of the time. But also there are times, when before judging and trying to make a strategic move, it's important to simply be human and love. To let love just overwhelm you and do what your heart reveals is the right thing to do. And these moments, moments where you just love, are byfar the sweetest ones (:

When to Take a Leap of Faith

[ Edit: As the typed the last line, there was a knock on the door and it was the gardener, wanting to introduce 2/5 of his children to us while the eldest son worked. ]

I was chatting with my guard the other day and asked how his family was. he said his 5 children were doing well but he was upset because his eldest son got "fired" from secondary school. a term at this school is 4000MKw (~$35CDN), but he could only afford half his son's tuition and the timing is particularly bad because finals are next week. Imagine not being able to afford secondary school? My heart breaks upon hearing struggles like this.

I let my emotions calm and went to seek advice from a colleague. it seemed like a story she'd heard a thousand times over and advised not to give him the money, unless of course I wanted to.

So I've been stuck in an emotional battle over the only options my mind sees fit:

1. Give the guard money
2. Don't give him money
3. Create a solution

If I give the guard the money, presumably, his son will be able to write his exams. However, there are 2 more terms in this school year. Do I give simply because I can? Going with option 1 is a quick fix, it's not sustainable. Even if I do give him the amount, how do I know it will go towards his son's education? I'm reminded of how Elizabeth Gilbert raised money for a house for a Balinese family, but was greatly deceived along the way.

Or I could harden my heart and turn my back? If I do not give the guard money, what will happen to his son? How will his future play out? I have the opportunity to create an opportunity for change. If valued, his education could equip with the skills needed to be a change maker in Malawi.

I analyze each pro and con and weigh the arguments on my scale of sustainability. I wonder if there are ever times when the pros and cons don't need to be weighed out, and I could just count on good people doing good things. If there can be times when we don't need to play out what is sustainable, what is better for the future, or even what is right, and just act?

I think these times exist. I've seen it happen. I've experienced it happening. I got to Malawi through the leaps of faith taken by family, friends, and complete strangers that I would be a good steward of their money.

If a stranger can take a leap of faith on me, surely I should be able to do the same.

But there is a third option. It's one that takes effort, but is the best one. Instead of simply giving money or holding back, there is a middle ground and it's not too difficult. Micro-lending, setting up a service or providing small-scale employment. So we're thinking something simple. Since we don't have a vehicle, we'll pay for him to buy and deliver our groceries. We're thinking AmazonFresh minus Amazon. We'll help sell this service to the neighbours as well so that he can continue to earn tuition money after we leave. This will be done on weekends so it does not cut into the school week. I dream of this service going to scale and maybe even paying his University tuition. Imagine?

So my leap of faith is in knowing that this will work. Am I doing the right thing? I'm not quite sure, but I'm doing something, and I know that that in itself is better than nothing.

battlefields

oftentimes, aid workers and missions volunteers fit more or less to certain criteria: well-travelled, minimalistic, outdoors-y, big-hearted, and vocal about their passions. admittedly, i fit few if any of those criteria. i've been told "you're not exactly low-maintenance" and "i never imagined you'd want to go on missions", which makes me laugh ;p not because it's not true, but why does there need to be preconceived qualities of an aid worker or of someone wanting to go on missions?

lately i've been questioning more and more of what my place or where my calling is in this diverse world. if i had a say, i'd be an international food taster/blogger. i think i'd be quite good at that (: but really, if i had a say, it would be a position which involves alot of travelling and eating.

lately i've been learning more and more that it matters less what i want and more what God wants, more what there is a need for. i've been questioning how i can use my technical skills for change and have crossing my fingers that the answer will be one in which i can work directly with international development (travelling included!). in recent conversations, i've been told

"maybe the corporate field is your mission field. that it's not bad to make money because initiatives need to be supported somehow. if you can get a good job that pays you well, take it! because there are many people who need your support"

part of me says "Yes!" the corporate world is my battlefield. i could mitigate change amongst the for-profit sector. i could encourage people to be stewards of their money. how many ways have i complained that the corporate sector cares too much about themselves and money and too little about injustice? maybe my place is in the corporate world. but another part of me says "No..." i want to work with people. i want to be amongst the poorest of the poor and be there when they have their first taste of clean water.

so God, i'll wait for Your verdict, otherwise, i'll fail.

Therefore, in the present case I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.

acts 5:38-39

change: embrace it.

for my 21st birthday, my waterloves got me this beautiful jeanine payer necklace :D

change and i didn't always have a history of wonderful tales. we didn't always get along. the first semester of high school, the first term of university, first weeks at work, all extremely exciting times, but always mildly to overly difficult for me.

one of the most important lessons waterloo has taught me is to embrace change. in a program that required slight to extreme change every 4 months, i've learned to look forward to new chapters in life and to go at them full swing, knowing that amidst all the changes going on around me, the people and ideals i value will never change. i can almost say that i've become a change lover. i expect change and now love new surroundings, new houses, new roommates, new food, new climates, new everything. change and i have become good friends now, because change, they say, is the one of the only true constants in life.

but somehow, this time feels a bit different. for once, i'll go away and have no idea what will change, stay the same, or remain when i return. for once, i'll leave and not know how i'll change, what parts of me will be the same, or what part of me will remain when i return. this is what i fear the most: that the things i didn't want to change will, that things i wanted to stay the same won't, and that the things that remain won't be enough. i fear that the old will no longer be compatible with the new, and the new will be something i didn't want.

somehow it's not leaving that i fear, it's returning.

paying it forward is not easy.

update: presented at pastor loel's church today and sold 10 boxes of cupcakes and 4 mocha cakes = $200 AND got to see old friends ;p not old as in old in age, but old as in from a long time ago.

yesterday, i was on my way to subway home when a young guy stopped me and said that he didn't need his day pass anymore, and asked if i wanted it. i thought it was a genuine act of kindness, so i appreciatively agreed and we parted ways.

before i even got to islington i figured i should pay it forward. i was on my way out of the station, which in my mind was the strategic location to pass along the favour, and began mission: give away day pass.

#1 a middle-aged woman. reaction: no, kept walking.
#2 a man in his 30's. reaction: ignored me. asked again, and he responded with vulgar words, thinking i was asking for money.
#3 a young couple. reaction: they had metropasses.
#4, #5 reaction: no and no.

admittedly, i was a bit discouraged and frustrated after the first 3 people, especially after the rude response by #2. isn't it a funny world we live in, where kindness is difficult to distribute? where there is no shortage of local and global issues to be dealt with and people stepping up to those issues, but also where a small, sincere act of kindness is turned away? so lessons learned:

lesson: kindness is not conditional
i admittedly did want to stop after #2 because i'm sensitive like that, but then got caught in the just-one-more mentality, where i kept believing the next person would take it. i tried a handful of times and may have failed to pay it forward, but if i had stopped trying after #1 or #2, then that would have been true failure. i would have failed because im conditioning my efforts based on the reactions of others. kindness should be taken like an exponential distribution: memory less of past failures or successes. efforts in kindness should not depend on whether the last person you tried to be kind to accepted or rejected your efforts.

edit: wow, that was mega mathie (:

lesson: not everyone wants help
i think this was highly humbling and an extremely important lesson for the summer. there i was, wide-eyed and ready to make someone's day brighter because someone had done so for me, but there were no takers. in cases where people had metropasses, i was trying to fix a problem that was already solved. in cases where people didn't have metropasses, i was trying to help in a situation where people didn't want/need help.

lesson: people don't want help from those they don't trust
a couple people responded with a kind "no, thank you" and others just reacted with a confused stare. however, had i attempted to give the pass to a friend or acquaintance, they would have surely taken it due to a level of trust we had built. in this lies the importance of building relationships. i faltered because i can't push kindness onto anyone. as good as my intentions were, clearly, it was not working for me. kindness is best passed on in its rawest, most sincere form. and this form can not be known by a complete stranger before a relationship is built. in order to effectively pass on kindness, a level of accountability and trust has to be built in order for the exchange of raw, sincere kindness to take place.

and also, if someone wants to give you their day pass, please take it. that just might make their day =)

corporate life? yes please.

i don't usually follow the stereotypes i should be associated with:
im a girl, but into math and all that technical analytical stuff ;p
im filipino, but can neither dance, sing or do anything art-sy
im a mathie, but don't play settlers, memorize 50 digits of pi, or spend friday nights programming.

however, i am admittedly in every way a gen y-er. i do everything with a sense of urgency and believe that i can and will make a positive impact. so when it came down to mapping out the next few years in my life, i was torn between pursuing a job that would make money versus a job that would make an impact because new grad jobs that combine the two are extremely rare and hard to come by. i was completely torn because i wanted both, but knew i had to sacrifice my happiness and could only have one.

"power without love is reckless and abusive, love without power is sentimental and anemic"

- martin luther king jr. (via the blue sweater)

i realized that change can be facilitated with power. jeff skoll and bill gates are just two examples of people that have leveraged their power (through ebay and microsoft) and shifted into the positions of changemakers. so i took my corporate job, and for a couple reasons:

1. i've always wanted this job
i'd been eyeing this job for a year and actually got an offer

2. corporate experience will be great experience for a social enterprise
true, i could also gain experience from starting my own social enterprise, but not the same kind of experience. my corporate job will prepare me for the business-side of social entrepreneurship. it's no secret that a number of not-for-profits fail because they're started and run with a passion for the cause and no business skills crucial to organization and decision-making. when i begin in SE, i want to have something meaningful to contribute. even if it's my privacy and security knowledge, that is something that we will definitely run into, and i think it's quite important for a SE to secure its financial and sensitive data.

3. consulting life is great exposure
i am fortunate enough to be a position where the average turnover rate is 3 years, and they don't expect you to make a career out of consulting. phew, pressure's off. deloitte is a great place to build a portfolio, to work with clients, and to have access to great mentors. i think and hope that this position will open many doors for me and help me build lasting relationships needed for a future SE.

4. people listen to people in power
i don't plan to become a partner within 3 years, but in 2 or 3 years time after i've built strong corporate and community relationships, i will have more power than i do now. credibility is never a bad thing to have.

5.i'm still trying to find my place
i don't think everyone should test out corporate life before going into social sector. after university, some people are more than ready for it and more than needed in it because they know their strengths. they know what they want to do, how they're going to accomplish it, and the means to meet that goal. for me, i'm still trying to figure it out. i'm still unsure of what my purpose is in life, where i can have the biggest "impact" and what skills i will need to use. i'm still exploring and juggling a few things in hopes of finding my calling. hehe, so cheesy. i know this summer will be life changing, and i'm going to hopefully get some answers to my unknowns.

the power of prayer

apologies to anyone who's been waiting for a real post. i'm amused that during finals time, i would find many opportunities to post, but now that school is done, i haven't made any time at all! there really are no excuses, so what have i been doing? going full-swing into fundraising.

as today is the 58th observed national prayer day and obama signed the prayer day proclamation, it makes me think about the power of prayer.

i gave my presentation at church, and told people how God was revealing His plan for me through answered prayers. i told them how i was daunted by cost of the trip, then how Helen informed me that they had overestimated by $2000. i also told how i was worried about going alone, but then Kathleen decided to also go to Malawi and we'll most likely live together. and more recently, i've been praying about getting my funds in for tomorrow's flight booking deadline. 24h ago, i was $700 short. after 2 phone calls and being informed that my ticket went down $200 and i am now $400 over and almost half-way to $6000 =) amazing, isn't it?

while going through the truth project, one of the first questions they asked was

"do you really believe that what you believe is really real?"

it's a tough question to swallow but if i could somehow answer "yes", then wouldn't my every action be done so with humility and love? if i did really believe in the power of prayer, wouldn't i be on my knees praying all day instead of trying to make time for prayer?

i have personally experienced the power of diligent prayer. the wonder and amazement of praying for something days and weeks on end and seeing the prayer answered =) i've also experienced frustration with prayer. praying for sometihng for days and weeks on end, only to hear God say "No, not now."

last week, 10-year-old ella from church gave me this:












the two things i worry (and pray) about most are: being effective and raising funds. it's amazing for me to see ella&cd shake their allowances out of their piggy banks for my benefit when they dont fully understand what im doing. somtimes i need to be more like ella and blur out the fine details and simply understand that God will have His way in my life. and really believe that what i believe is really real.

"for when two or three are gathered in My name, there I am with them."

- matthew 18:20

goosebumps.

"do you ever get that feeling, that you're on the brink of something really amazing but you're scared to tell anyone? and then, then you get these signs that make you realize that you're doing the right thing? it's so amazing, it gives me goosebumps."
- RB on our idea (:

there's a reason for my sleepless nights and it's not school. my heart pounds and my head spins when i think about all the possibilities. the revolution we can create, the changes we can initiate, and most importantly, the people we can help.

this is going to be amazing. because we're going to make it amazing.

great. just what i need before my 3 finals in 2 days.
more to come on [insert project name here].
im SO excited :D

on critics.

admittedly, i am human and get frustrated sometimes. sometimes at people like my cubicle neighbour having a social gathering while i try to study, and other times with people.

i dream of a world where clean water is commonplace and not a luxury. a world in which caring acts dominate violent ones. simply, i dream of a world in which people can worry about how to live life and not how to survive it.

too much? too ideal? possibly. probably. but a girl can dream right? i can (almost) understand indifference to local and global issues, but dont you dream of the same kind of world? im just trying to help create the world we both dream of. i didn't mean that you should no longer drink water, but just understand the problem with bottled water. the unfortunate truth is that all the social actions that im posting about address issues that directly affect you and your future. you don't have to care, but just be aware. you don't have to help, but just don't criticize. there are many people out there fighting to create a better world for you.

it seems to be the trend wherein if there is someone who is trying to make a positive social impact, there will always be criticism of what they are doing. charities are criticized for not donating 100% of donations towards aid, overseas volunteers are criticized that their work will not be sustainable, and buying a homeless man a coffee is seen as not making a difference. im guilty of the above criticisms, but the underlying principle is that these people are just trying to help. and isn't some help better than nothing? why does help always have to be criticized? maybe so we can help in a better way. nothing spurs passion more than a little criticism and critical thinking. so bring your criticisms and i will bring solutions!

just wait, we're planning a caring revolution. just wait for it :D more to come.

No matter how complex global problems may seem, it is we ourselves who have given rise to them. They cannot be beyond our power to resolve

- Daisaku Ikeda

goosebumps.

"do you ever get that feeling, that you're on the brink of something really amazing but you're scared to tell anyone? and then, then you get these signs and realize that you're doing the right thing? it gives me goosebumps."
-RB on our idea (:

there is a reason for my sleepless nights and it's not school. my head spins and my heart pounds when i think about the endless possibilities. the revolution we'll cause, the impact we'll create, and most exciting, the people we'll help.

this is going to be amazing. because we're going to make it amazing :D

great. this is just what i need before my 3 finals in 2 days. more to come on [insert project name here].

i heart.

i had a great talk with my coordinator from EI last night (thanks, Helen!), and she presented me with an additional opportunity: coordinate my stats background into the overseas program. her idea was for me to measure the impact of partnered EI projects; this means looking at cost-benefit analysis, population impacts, and growth opportunities to hopefully get government grants and support to make the projects sustainable.

:D

i'm probably one of the few people that would get really excited over doing stats for a summer.

sometimes i don't really understand God's plans. sometimes my heart is unsettled because i have no idea what im doing and why im doing it. if you asked me a couple months ago "why africa?" i'd respond with "because?"
but now i can tell you it's because i want to make a career of international development and the first step is to go overseas. i can say that it's because this is what God has planned for me. when i first applied to EI, Helen told me about Malawi and i've always wanted to go to Malawi! i told her i was in math, and she told me they've been looking for someone with my background. i saw the budget and was a bit overwhelmed, and awhile later she told me that they had overestimated by $1200. And now, I get to use even more of my mathiness. I know that sometimes God works in mysterious ways, but sometimes He is also very clear =)

one day im going to stand before God and He's going to ask me "what did you do on this earth for me?" and i can only pray that i call answer with "everything you planned for me to do." i want to be part of a generation that pursues justice, helps the lost, and heals the broken.

why? watch this.

"one generation commends your works to another; they will tell of your mighty acts."

-psalm 145:4

inspire me.

so here's the ruby&kristina question of the week:
how do you get people to care about the world?

we've ruled out:
1. physical and emotional force ;p
2. guilt-tripping them

we've ruled in:
1. icare project (tbd)
2. by caring ourselves (c/o megan chan)

earlier this year when taimur forced me to talk to sol guy, i managed to hold the conversation past "omg, you're amazing, it's so nice to meet you!!". through wobbly knees and a fluttering heart, i asked him that exact question "how can i get people around me involved, engaged in social issues?"

his response: just focus on what you're doing and people will follow. keep doing what you're doing and that will directly effect those around you. don't worry too much about them. they'll come around.

and he's right. i can't tell people to care, but i can show them how to care. it's not my part to go around telling people that they should care, but it is my part to care for other people.

thanks sol guy. you inspire me (he's another one ruby!)

any other ideas?
i like comments (:

do what?

despite the months of research and applications, and years of desire for missions, it only dawned on me the other day that i'm going to africa. i was a bit shocked and responded to my own thought with "i'm doing what?!"

so what am i doing?
simply put, i'll be heading to malawi to lead programs and to monitor projects being done. The programs will range from teaching English to teaching HIV/AIDS awareness and education. The projects will range from water sanitation to agriculture to microfinancing, depending on what is available. i'll be doing field visits to these programs and also do some marketing to attract volunteers to Malawi and update others on the status of these projects.

but really, what am i doing?
i'm travelling over the Atlantic to a place where I know no one and know nothing about (except to greet others with "Moni") in an attempt to "help". it sounds like i have my work cut out for me.

and what do i want to do?
i've really been questioning and wondering what exactly it is that i hope to accomplish while in Malawi. after days of contemplation, i was hoping to have an intellectual and inspiring answer, but i don't. i don't think i will know what it is i'm meant to do or why i'm going there until i get there.

i'm constantly being bombarded with criticisms of aid in developing countries. criticism that monetary donations will not be put 100% to the cause; criticism that volunteering is not sustainable, that 2 months is not enough time to be affective, and criticism of the North American mentality that our way is the right way. so the question remains: "how does a girl like me effectively aid the issues of poverty in developing nations?" by beginning with an open mind and heart. by simply following God's plans for me and just going. just go. that's the first step and He will fill in the details.