Evening Poetry

my church was wonderful enough to write me one letter for each day that i'm in malawi - that's alot of letters! the letters have been wonderful and an amazing encouragement, especially when i'm having a rougher-than-usual day. i opened my letter one night and found a poem written for me. thank you tito jonie (: no one's ever written me a poem before. it's wonderful and certainly my prayer that i can live it out (:

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The Lord Leads Me to Africa

My precious child you made me proud
you've heed my call no matter how hard
Away from home, in Africa you'll roam
so that the love of Christ will be known
and the way, truth and life will be shown

My gentle voice will always fill your ears
so it can wash away all of your fears
You'll feel alone in the middle of nowhere
Far away from home with a burden to bear
Yet my child, all's well for your Lord is near

Kristina, never be afraid if you face a wall
when problems seemed like a mountain tall
when it's hard to go on and follow the call
don't you give up, just move on and roll
The Lord your God will take care of it all.

When the path is dark as the African night
and nothing but troubles are what's in sight
I'll light up the sky and will make it bright
don't you worry, everything will be all right
I'll hold you tight, and I'll carry you my child.

seek and find

One of the personal goals I set for myself during my time in Malawi was to "find God". Yes yes, I know who God is, what He's done, and what He commands, but I'm looking for more, a relationship with Him. I want faith that can move mountains, a heart that breaks for the lost. For the past month, I've been searching in books, the Bible, my strong-in-faith roommates, diligent co-workers, passionate friends, supporters back home, and the stories of the poor, but have yet to succeed. I realized that I was looking in all the wrong places. I'd become far-sighted, and couldn't see what was staring me in the face.

"The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart"

- Romans 10:8

Faith is personal. Romans 10:8 is a reminder that faith begins within. Before venturing off into foreign territory, look inside you or beside you.

Kathleen and I were discussing how we satisfy spiritual thirst along with physical thirst to the villages we visit? Because really, we're here to reach out to the rural villages. We realized that maybe that's not our battlefield(due to the circumstances, and also it's not quite sustainable). So who then can we reach out to? Answer: our co-workers, guards, neighbours. Opportunities are plentiful and friendships are already established. My job only requires me to go into the villages 2-3 times a week, and it's always different villages. I was trying to fight a fight that wasn't mine. Over the past few days, I've learned the following:

• My colleague doesn't his own children, but is raising an orphaned girl
• A high-schooler from my church was "encouraged" by my desire to use my math skills for change that he started reading about Waterloo and has his mind set on ActSci
  

I've focused so much on trying to share God's love to a distant crowd, that I've dismissed the work He can do within the people around me. It's humbling . For all I know, it could be my guards or colleagues who are the ones struggling to feed their families and it could be the people around me who are HIV/AIDS positive and fighting a constant battle. Is it not odd that I know the unemployment of Canada or Waterloo even, but don't even know the employment status of my neighbours? Or the outrageous stats of University graduates in Malawi, but don't even know if my co-workers can afford to send their children to University? It is odd, and I don't think it's right.

So not everyone'sprimary battlefield is in the rural villages of Malawi. It may not be mine, but today I learned that my night guard and I attend the same church. Your main battlefield could be the cashier you see daily at the coffee shop, your elderly neighbour, or even just your family. While(or before) helping those in the distance, don't make the mistake of overlooking those right in front of you.

romans 2:13

[ Edit: Through this journey of 2 months, I want to be raw in sharing my accounts and emotions. I want to go beyond the emotional highs and the "amazingness" of being in Malawi and be transparent in who I am and what I'm feeling. ]

"For it is not those who hear the law that are righteous in God's sight, but it is those who obey the Law who will be declared righteous."

-romans 2:13

I grew up in a Christian family, am able to recite all the books of the Bible, and know how to pray in front of a crowd, but none of these indicators prove that I'm a faithful Christian. Lots of people grow up in church, memorize the song that goes along with the books of the Bible, and have heard enough prayers to know what to say to have people "Amen" your prayers.

If I had to be completely honest, God has alot of work to do on me. I don't think I quite measure up to the faith that's required of someone in my position. And to be even more honest, I wanted to come to Malawi to find God. Whether it be through experiences of hunger or through a verse that I read, I came here ready to be broken and moulded into the person God has intended for me to be. And yes, I also came here to show God's love by doing His work.

It's very easy for me to be passive but I'm learning the urgency of breaking out of my passive comforts and executing the plans God has for me. Knowing poverty is one thing, experiencing poverty is another, and acting on poverty is yet another. If I come back with a whole notebook of lessons that God has taught and do nothing, I'd be a failure. Above hearing, I need to understand, and above seeing, I need to perceive.

This verse is a challenge not only to me, but to everyone. To everyone that knows that there is poverty in the world, there is more to knowing. To everyone that sees injustice in their community, there is more to seeing. And to everyone that hears the cries of the helpless, there is more to hearing. Knowing, seeing and hearing this holds us accountable to do something, anything, may it be small or big.

battlefields

oftentimes, aid workers and missions volunteers fit more or less to certain criteria: well-travelled, minimalistic, outdoors-y, big-hearted, and vocal about their passions. admittedly, i fit few if any of those criteria. i've been told "you're not exactly low-maintenance" and "i never imagined you'd want to go on missions", which makes me laugh ;p not because it's not true, but why does there need to be preconceived qualities of an aid worker or of someone wanting to go on missions?

lately i've been questioning more and more of what my place or where my calling is in this diverse world. if i had a say, i'd be an international food taster/blogger. i think i'd be quite good at that (: but really, if i had a say, it would be a position which involves alot of travelling and eating.

lately i've been learning more and more that it matters less what i want and more what God wants, more what there is a need for. i've been questioning how i can use my technical skills for change and have crossing my fingers that the answer will be one in which i can work directly with international development (travelling included!). in recent conversations, i've been told

"maybe the corporate field is your mission field. that it's not bad to make money because initiatives need to be supported somehow. if you can get a good job that pays you well, take it! because there are many people who need your support"

part of me says "Yes!" the corporate world is my battlefield. i could mitigate change amongst the for-profit sector. i could encourage people to be stewards of their money. how many ways have i complained that the corporate sector cares too much about themselves and money and too little about injustice? maybe my place is in the corporate world. but another part of me says "No..." i want to work with people. i want to be amongst the poorest of the poor and be there when they have their first taste of clean water.

so God, i'll wait for Your verdict, otherwise, i'll fail.

Therefore, in the present case I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.

acts 5:38-39

theorize and apply

when i first read that malawi is 80% christian (55% protestant, 25% catholic), i was impressed and thanked God that the people here not only know who He is, but also believe in Him. i thought this demographic would be a plus in my work.

we had a cultural orientation session with a young pastor's wife and she told us

"christianity in africa is like a very very wide lake...that's only 1 inch deep"

she continued in telling us that numbers are merely numbers and i heard firsthand her accounts that handouts and aid are not enough. victory told us how missionaries came to malawi with arms filled of things to give away and how when asked to receive Christ into their lives, people routinely raised their hands without commitment or knowing what they were doing. numbers are just numbers, used to fund projects and show concrete figures that work is being done and money is well-spent. i am slowly beginning to match faces and names to theories of development and aid. no longer is dead aid a book, but the story of a friend and of many around me.

the first dinner i was here, a newly ordained malawian pastor said grace and prayed

"Lord, bless those that do not have any food to eat today"

this prayer was sincere and so real, so much more meaningful than how i pray for the hungry.

reality and malawi is making real of the all the theories and stories i've been reading.

i live on a mountain

molly and the mountains. this dog is bigger than me :O

zomba market

zomba market; they re-use tin and make it shiny and usable